BLOGGS EX-LOVER: "JOE OWES ME MILLIONS!"
December 19th 2006 20:38
The former lover of virtual porn mufti, bench-presser and now conman, Joe Bloggs launched a scathing attack on the man she once described as "the jam in her doughnut".
NO WAY!
Senator Amanda Vanstone described her torrid three year love affair with the smooth talking Bloggs as both the happiest and saddest time of her life.
YES WAY!
"The slimy piece of shit broke my heart then broke my bank balance." snarled Mandy before apologising to reporters, "I'm sorry, the wounds are still fresh and I've got a very big gash."
But the Liberal MP admitted it wasn't always that way.
GIVE WAY!
"When I first met Joe we were standing in line at a Smorgy's buffet. I remember thinking just how many calamari rings could one man fit on a plate. We got to chatting and Joe swept me off my feet. Not literally though, that would be impossible. But as we were walking back to our table somebody had spilled mayonnaise on the floor and I slipped. Joe caught my plate without losing a single oyster as I crashed to the floor."
"You could say I fell for him there."
FREE WAY!
The bubbly cabinet minister revealed many nights of hot sex with the hairy-chested blogstud and brains behind the moderately entertaining joebloggsblog.net.
"Oh Bloggs was an animal, a real terrier in the sack!", laughed Vanstone. "He used to love me smearing cooking fat all over him and then reading Shakespeare to him. It used to really turn him on. Oh yeah, lard and the bard got him hard."
But the affair turned sour when the then property developer and CEO of Joe Bloggs Real Estate convinced his concubine to invest in a number of properties around Australia.
SAFE WAY!
"Looking back now I should have seen that calamari pyramid as a warning. A symbol of his greed. He had me invest in all these low rent properties he told me we could renovate into lovely town houses. When the whole thing went belly up and Bloggs did a runner I was left millions out of pocket and with no option but to fill the joints up with refugees just to make ends meet."
"Thankfully some of the tenants have signed long term leases but I'm just scraping by. Bloggs ruined me both physically and financially! I don't want revenge. I want justice!!" yelled Vanstone helping herself to another sausage roll.
Some question the Senator's timing but many see her startling kiss and tell revelations as just a way of getting free publicity for her new business franchise.
Although dipping her paddle into the murky waters of Bloggs controversial life is sure to cause more ripples in the already strained Orble-Bloggs relationship, Bloggs supporters are standing firm.
"Bloggs and Jon Dorotich: equal." said Norm, bankrupt proprietor of equalandopposite.net, "We've all lost money. Some more than others. But the point still stands whatever that point may be. And what's better than beating Collingwood by a point?"
Whilst mspaintart.com strumpet and daisy-chain fanatic kaytzzz just wanted to know "Why can't we all just get along?"
Incontinence sufferer, naughty word importer and Bloggspert Homer Joyce was of a similar opinion, "Bloggs is too big for his britches. But that's because they've never made britches big enough."
Maybe the last word should go to Mrs M, doily straightener and uber mum from mumsword.net "If my kids grow up half as good as Joe Bloggs then I will have only half failed as a parent."
* * At the time of pulication Joe Bloggs was unavailable for comment.
NO WAY!
Senator Amanda Vanstone described her torrid three year love affair with the smooth talking Bloggs as both the happiest and saddest time of her life.
YES WAY!
"The slimy piece of shit broke my heart then broke my bank balance." snarled Mandy before apologising to reporters, "I'm sorry, the wounds are still fresh and I've got a very big gash."
But the Liberal MP admitted it wasn't always that way.
GIVE WAY!
* "I'll have one of those, two of those & those things with pink icing - gimme four of them. Oh yeah, and a Diet Coke!"
"When I first met Joe we were standing in line at a Smorgy's buffet. I remember thinking just how many calamari rings could one man fit on a plate. We got to chatting and Joe swept me off my feet. Not literally though, that would be impossible. But as we were walking back to our table somebody had spilled mayonnaise on the floor and I slipped. Joe caught my plate without losing a single oyster as I crashed to the floor."
"You could say I fell for him there."
FREE WAY!
The bubbly cabinet minister revealed many nights of hot sex with the hairy-chested blogstud and brains behind the moderately entertaining joebloggsblog.net.
"Oh Bloggs was an animal, a real terrier in the sack!", laughed Vanstone. "He used to love me smearing cooking fat all over him and then reading Shakespeare to him. It used to really turn him on. Oh yeah, lard and the bard got him hard."
But the affair turned sour when the then property developer and CEO of Joe Bloggs Real Estate convinced his concubine to invest in a number of properties around Australia.
SAFE WAY!
"Looking back now I should have seen that calamari pyramid as a warning. A symbol of his greed. He had me invest in all these low rent properties he told me we could renovate into lovely town houses. When the whole thing went belly up and Bloggs did a runner I was left millions out of pocket and with no option but to fill the joints up with refugees just to make ends meet."
"Thankfully some of the tenants have signed long term leases but I'm just scraping by. Bloggs ruined me both physically and financially! I don't want revenge. I want justice!!" yelled Vanstone helping herself to another sausage roll.
* BACK, SACK & CRACK - Will Vanstone's new business get Bloggs back, in the sack & in her arms?
Some question the Senator's timing but many see her startling kiss and tell revelations as just a way of getting free publicity for her new business franchise.
Although dipping her paddle into the murky waters of Bloggs controversial life is sure to cause more ripples in the already strained Orble-Bloggs relationship, Bloggs supporters are standing firm.
"Bloggs and Jon Dorotich: equal." said Norm, bankrupt proprietor of equalandopposite.net, "We've all lost money. Some more than others. But the point still stands whatever that point may be. And what's better than beating Collingwood by a point?"
Whilst mspaintart.com strumpet and daisy-chain fanatic kaytzzz just wanted to know "Why can't we all just get along?"
Incontinence sufferer, naughty word importer and Bloggspert Homer Joyce was of a similar opinion, "Bloggs is too big for his britches. But that's because they've never made britches big enough."
Maybe the last word should go to Mrs M, doily straightener and uber mum from mumsword.net "If my kids grow up half as good as Joe Bloggs then I will have only half failed as a parent."
* * At the time of pulication Joe Bloggs was unavailable for comment.
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
But it's alright, you're both goaled!
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Double D
Supporter
BRRAA (Bloggs Rabble Rousing Agitating Army)
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
Ah...Mr Blogg...
(I'm lost for words, I'm too busy doing a Dusk Devi giggle and snort)
Perhaps it's time for that romance writing you're so good at...a few pink winkers...
Maybe that will bring everyone together again...
(Or start another war?? I love these wars...we're such a family on Orble)
K.L.
(The Real Romantic Writer...oh, okay. You can be one too, Joe.)
Comment by Joe Blogg
Joe Blogg's Blog
manchesterunited
collingwoodfootballclub
Money up front and you can see both.
Thems the rules.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
Okay, I'll hand over my paycheque from Orble...
A whole 5c do ya??
K.L.
Comment by Joe Blogg
Joe Blogg's Blog
manchesterunited
collingwoodfootballclub
I'm sure there's a Cash Converters store nearby.
Hock something valuable like yer fridge or yer kid and then renegotiate.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
How about my husband??
(The child's more precious to me, you see)
I'll see what I can get for him...
Maybe I'll put him on eBay...
K.L.
Comment by Joe Blogg
Joe Blogg's Blog
manchesterunited
collingwoodfootballclub
Okay KL, here's the trade off:
Yer old man is coming off decidely second best in all this & I don't reckon that is the case of all.
Plus the whole romance schtick smacks of women's unreal fantasies about men. Nothing wrong with that mind. Just a hunch.
So you show me in 25 words (nothing more - nothing less) why you love him and I'll cut you a piece of the action.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
My first response was: nah...I fold. JB wins...
Now I'm prepared to do it....
Okay, here goes...
Why K.L. loves her husband:
Because he brings me pink champagne, like I'm still his Princess...
He puts up with my high expectations...
And he gave me my baby girl...
Woo hoo!! She's done it!!!
Eat that, Joe Bloggs!!
(I mean that in the nicest possible way)
K.L.
Comment by Joe Blogg
Joe Blogg's Blog
manchesterunited
collingwoodfootballclub
Not bad for a first draft.
Edit and refine.
Then resubmit and we'll see how you go.
Here's a tip - you don't love somebody coz they fetch you drinks. Captain Stubing always got more action than Isaac on The Love Boat.
Here's anuvva tip - it's meant to be about HIM not YOU.
I hope the birth wasn't as premature as your celebration.
Comment by K.L. Almeroth
Motherhood
Mr Bloggs,
You're really an editor in disguise!!! Damn you!!
I'm a young married...and female...of course it's all about me!
K.L.