DOWNER AWOL O.S. CHECKS IN TO H.A.!
December 26th 2006 11:11
* Just needed a helping hand
Australian Government officials remained tight-lipped today on the future of jetsetting snuggle-pot and Minister for Foreign Affairs, Alexander Downer, following his frank admission that he had booked himself into H.A. - Hand-shakers Anonymous.
TRAGIC!
* All shook up?
In a brief but candid press release on Christmas Day, Downer, lovable uncle to the world and front man for chat topping pop sensations The Backbench Boys, cited the pressure of touring and being away from family and friends as the reason behind his downfall.
It is believed the Honourable Member for Mayo went on a week long global hand-shaking bender leading into the Christmas break following a whirlwind tour with The Backbench Boys promoting their smash hit Christmas album, Pop Goes The Weasel.
Alexander, known in music circles as MC Deputy Downer, a former hand-shaking addict had been 'sober' for almost a year before this latest setback.
MUCH SADNESS!
"I wish to apologise to my family and loved ones", said a tearful Downer, his hands heavily bandaged following his hand-shaking frenzy.
"I've hurt so many people I love. I just want to say sorry", whimpered an emotional Downer before being whisked away to an exclusive clinic for sufferers of this debilitating disease.
A spokesperson for the boyband confirmed yesterday that Downer had been shaking secretly for some time but things "had gotten out of hand" during a break in the Bahamas.
"We were all tired", said band member 'Frosty' Greeting, "So we all headed to the beach. But Alex couldn't walk past a palm tree without shaking it! I knew he was using again but I never knew it was this bad. By the time we realised it was too late!"
BINGE!
What followed was a transnation hand-shaking orgy as Downer plunged deeper and deeper into a diplomatic black hole.
* More than 3 shakes is a wank!
"One minute I was taking a wiz and the next thing I know this big cuddly teady bear in an expensive suit is shaking my hand and laughing like a lunatic!" said outgoing United Nations head honcho and do nothinger Kofi Annan.
But it didn't stop there.
GET A GRIP!
* He just wanted a quick handjob
Former United States Chief of Bastard Acts, Colin Powell was equally shocked.
"I'm just minding my own business admiring this antique bedside table, it's a passion of mine. All of a sudden this curly haired koala comes out of nowhere and starts shaking my hand faster than you can say 'George Michael'!"
* The China Syndrome
Next stop China!
Where a startled Chinese President, Hu Jintao, paints a sordid picture.
"I'm tlying to clack on to ris rearry hot piece of ahhhhhhss. She good to go too you know. He come barging in rearry clamping my style and wanting to pless the fresh. I want to pless the fresh too.....but not his!!!"
"He scare rady away. No loot for me becroz of that plick!!"
* A firm grip...but not on reality
But it wasn't until a sweaty palmed Downer, visibly suffering from 'welcome withdrawls' gate crashed PISS - the Palmestry Indonesian Style Summit - that the full extent of his HSA (Handshaking Addiction) became known.
"Once he got hold he wouldn't let go. It was like us in East Timor!" said Indonesian Foreign Affairs Minister Hassan Wirajuda.
Medical experts estimate over 100,000 Australians suffer from the debilitating illness of HSA.
However leading HSA researcher and Amway salesman, Dr. Bloggs (not to be confused with eminent neuro surgeon and joebloggsblog.net columnist Dr. Bloggs) believes that some good may come out of all this.
"If Alex's plight saves just one life then it has all been worth it." he said.
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Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
..this is one of the funniest, most brilliant yet, but because it is so sad, it is not funny at all!
I am left not knowing whether to laugh or cry...
Lilla...